I still want to tell him everything.

They say, give up closure. They say let go of wanting everything to be okay. They say, the fact that your life does not match the vision in your mind is okay. They say you should move on while you are young enough to move on.

They say a lot of things.

I still want to know what he has to say.

I have been reading about these football players who raped a mentally challenged girl in New York State. I have been trying to understand toxic masculinity. I have been living with a man who is a misogynist. I have been living with two other men who are pretty great.

I don’t sleep with any of them. I haven’t slept with anyone in a long time. Even the thought of another man’s body repulses me. I don’t know what to do about that.

When I want, and the want cuts too deep. I find some man who does not think much of me. I lay myself open before him, emotionally. I let him see me, knowing he hates what he sees. I let him hurt me.

I have been using intimacy as a tool against myself for a very long time. I wish I could stop. I am afraid that if I stop, there will be no wall between myself and that boy.

That wall was never there for my protection. I am a monster, Medusa with her snakes. I deserve to be in a cage.

Don’t I?

Somewhere deep inside him there is a boy who is too sad to speak and too scared to move. I am still holding that boy’s hand.