I think women set our expectations for our friends too high. Some of us, myself included, are still out there looking for a best friend. And that’s too much.

But I also think that we all forget how forms of oppression show up in our adult friendships. I have spent years seeking friendships with white or white-passing women who made me feel terrible about myself and generally treated me badly, that is, treated me with the disdain and disinterest that society legitimizes towards fat or disabled or working-class women.

Not doing that anymore makes me feel lonely, sure. But it also makes me feel emotionally safe.