I’ve had that affection and admiration feeling and I’ve also experienced total contempt that seemed to come out of nowhere. And I can tell you that I have the hardest time leaving when I experience contempt. I always assume I did something wrong that I can fix so the person will drop the contempt.

But I think the truth is that contempt is not a feeling; it’s an attitude. Contempt is a choice someone makes to dehumanize somebody else. It’s not a mutual problem, it’s an individual one. The other partner can’t do anything to fix it.

I think contempt is just a way to manage emotional flooding and triggers. Which is why early childhood work is so important. And why each partner needs to be responsible for their own wellbeing and therapeutic work.