On Metaphors*

• Which Rebecca Solnit says are useful to explain complex ideas gracefully.

Let’s say sex is a game of basketball.

Now, men tend to believe sex begins and ends when the ball enters that net. They tend to believe that the woman is not a player in the game, she is the net. Or, they separate her into her body and her mind, and they view her mind as a player on the opposing team who tries to keep the basketball out of the net.

The latter is called coercion. The former is called objectification.

Now let’s say instead, the woman is a player. She is on the same team. And the other team is made up of one another’s demons. Countless episodes of humiliation, defeat, despair, and oppression that have taught both players they are not worthy of getting the ball in the net, or trying, or even being on the court in the first place.

Like in real life, those demons don’t really exist. They’re only in our minds.

But like in real life, those demons nonetheless have power. If we believe in them.

And let’s say that we can either believe in those demons, or else we can believe in each other.

We can choose to have faith that what we have always ‘known’ about ourselves is true. Or, we can choose to have faith that what we have always known? Is true.

Now let’s say that the entire game is sex. The entire basketball game. Start to finish. Let’s say the slightest look or compliment or smile is an invitation to step onto the basketball court. Let’s say that the basketball court is romance. Not store-bought, candy-hearts-and-flowers romance, but the kind that says ‘let me show you what matters most to me and I want to know what matters most to you.’ The kind that says, what makes you feel good, and why?

And let’s say that basket is not intercourse, or some imaginary “perfect” intercourse in which no one makes a face or itches or says something strange or makes a strange noise and the guy is hard for an hour and the woman has multiple orgasms, and.

Let’s say instead that the basket is that moment of unity that sex can bring, which ideally brings orgasm but if it doesn’t, it’s still worth it.

And let’s say that it doesn’t matter how many times we miss, we can keep trying again.

And let’s say we can stay on the same team for as long as we both want to.

Then maybe basketball wouldn’t be quite so scary, would it?